I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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