my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
