WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
