I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
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then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
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He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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