I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
