Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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