no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
