Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
