My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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