i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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