I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
