Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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