I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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