I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
