Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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