Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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