I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
