i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
