dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
