he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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