Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Randomize
