Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
