don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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