and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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