I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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