I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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