Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
