: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
