I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
