you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
