right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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