Whats the glycemic index on semen?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
