first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
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oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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