genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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