Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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