I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
