You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
