no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
