finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Randomize
