Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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