I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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