I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
