Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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