I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
