Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Sober January is a disaster.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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