Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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