im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We were destined to go to rehab together
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
