ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
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They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
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Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.