I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
