Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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