my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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