My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
