Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
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You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
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I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
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