do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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