Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
