Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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