I love black thongs
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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