I wanna bring you to show and tell
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
