Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
