He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
