I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
