I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
