mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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