I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
